Parents should be leaders (not managers)

March 5, 2010 //
0

Autonomy  -  Mastery  -   Purpose

Three things that Malcolm Gladwell (Outliers) and Dan Pink (Drive) have written about in terms of meaningful work and a meaningful life aimed primarily at adults that are also important parts of growing up.

As infants and toddlers, the focus for kids is to learn, to master things like walking, language, and play. There is not a whole lot of autonomy, nor is there any long term purpose.

As kids grow through adolescence they start to accept, and demand, more and more autonomy. If they are lucky enough to discover a passion that demands all of their attention – sports, academics, music, writing – they will seek out mastery. Some will begin to see their purpose in life, and begin to move in that direction.

As teenagers and young adults our kids become completely autonomous – within bounds, of course – and are free to pursue their purpose and continued journey toward mastery.

For parents, it is all too easy – and tempting – to try to control, to MANAGE, our kids’ lives through each of these various stages. To decide what our kids should be interested in, what their purpose is. To make decisions for them, and not allow them the autonomy they crave. (“He’s only 10 years old, he can’t make a decision like that for himself.”)

Much more difficult – and, in my opinion, ultimately more rewarding – is for parents to be a LEADER for their kids. To observe and discover what our kids strengths are, what they are interested in, and encourage mastery in that. Even if it something we don’t understand or that we would never do. To always challenge our kids to reach just a little too far instead of always pulling them back from the edge. To accept the purpose they discover for their life, and encourage them to live that purpose even if it seems “stupid” to us.

Of course, being a leader is much harder work than being a manager. But a lot less frustrating and a lot more rewarding.

The opportunity cost of “easy”

March 4, 2010 //
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In his book Mastery, George Leonard talks about the “war on mastery”. This could just as easily be called a “war on hard”. Watch TV for just a couple of minutes and you will be bombarded with ads or talk shows or news stories that show you how do something in just a couple (if that many) steps. You never see something that promises to be hard.

And yet, nearly anything worth doing – that results in growth or learning – is hard. The best you can really hope for from “easy” is to maintain what you’ve already got. At worse, you will lose something.

Does Google – or technology in general – make us stupid? No. But by being “easy”, it removes the need, and possibly the ability, to learn. Which some might say is the same thing.

Management : Efficiency :: Leadership :
??

March 2, 2010 //
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When talking about management, what most people are thinking about is efficiency, maximizing output per unit of input. Many (most?) people talk about the need for leadership in addition to, or even instead of, management.

But what exactly do we get from leadership? What is its purpose?

The first word that comes to mind is “effectiveness”. But most measures of effectiveness are based on a desired end-state, which to me makes this just a different way of measuring efficiency.

Is leadership just another way to get people to do what you want them to do so you can accomplish your own goals? Or is it something different, something more?

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Some thoughts:

When you “manage” something / someone, the best you can hope for is what you ask for. When you “lead” someone, there is no way to know ahead of time what you will end up with.

Maybe the question is better addressed in the context of the Cynefin framework:

Management : Simple :: Leadership : Chaotic

(and possibly disorder), with a sliding mix of the two being appropriate in complicated or complex situations.

Of course, I’m not the first person to consider this question. There are many (many many) more thoughts on this question out there, as you can see in the Google search results for leadership vs. management.

Love the hard days

March 1, 2010 //
1

How often do you hear people say, “I sure hope today is an easy day”? Probably quite often. How often do you hear people say, “I sure hope today is a hard day”? Probably not quite as often.

Someone who knows the value of  the hard days is Cesar Millan, aka the Dog Whisperer. On a recently aired episode of his show, while observing the behavior of a new client and assessing the difficulty ahead (which in this case was significant), Cesar looked at the camera and smiled.

“I love days like this.”

He knew it was going to be a hard day, not only for him but for the dog and its owners. But he wouldn’t have it any other way, because he understands that it is only on the hard days that you can achieve great things.

So, love the hard days when they come, they are a gift and your chance to shine.

What’s in a label? (take 2)

February 24, 2010 //
4

In my last posting, I wrote the following about the consolidation of Asperger’s Disorder and PDD-NOS into a single classification for Autism Spectrum Disorder:

My experience leads me to believe that many people don’t understand the concept of a spectrum unless they can clearly see the boundaries between the different layers of the spectrum.

This generated some interesting conversations that have helped me as I figure out what I think.

Of course, the problem I had with combining these separate diagnoses into a single one – that people would tend to see all autistics as “the same” – also exists with the more “specific” diagnoses. It’s just that now you’ve got several variations on the theme: all Asperger’s is the same, all PDD-NOS is the same, all Autism is the same.

Thinking about all this reminded me of the expression “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” We are making a lot of process in getting this message out, and identifying autism as a spectrum could help with this even more.

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