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Before I go any further here, let me say emphatically and without qualification that I don’t believe helicopter parents – or any parent, for that matter – can cause autism by spending too much (or too little) time and attention on their kids.
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I was a free range kid, and now I’m a slacker mom. Lucky for me, Ben has a little more ambition.
When I have kids I want to be an attachment parent, but that’s not the same as a helicopter parent or a parent that is too permissive.
middle ground is always good. And gentleness.
Also I don’t see how it’s a bad thing to get involved with ones kids as long as one gives them to tools to make their own decisions.
You’ve hit the nail on the head!! whoo hoo!
Lisa
@Synesthesia,
I like the idea you have with “attachment parent” and agree that it is not a bad thing – and is in fact – a VERY GOOD THING for parents to be involved with their kids, at all stages of their lives.
Of course, the level and nature of the involvement should change depending on the age of the child (and maybe the age of the parent). I see it as kind of a progression from total control (infants) through coaching/mentoring (adolescents/teens) and ultimately – if we are lucky – to being friends when they are adults.
I think the key is that parents are able to separate themselves from their child, and not see their child’s every action as a validation (or rejection) of themselves.
One of the issues that comes up for autism parents is that parents may feel guilt about their child’s autism, and fling themselves into “fixing” the problem. If the problem is “fixable,” they see themselves as heroes for having cured their child; if the problem isn’t fixable, they feel even greater guilt, depression and anxiety – which can turn either inward or outward (toward their child or toward the people who work with their child).
Lisa
@Lisa,
Parents have always had pride in their children, and the success/failure of children has always had an impact on the reputation of a family or the family name. Parents seeing “their child’s every action as a validation (or rejection) of themselves” – which is, I think, at the very root of being a “helicopter parent” – seems to be a much more recent phenomenon.
As I said in the main article here, I think that has contributed to the increase in the number of diagnoses. Thinking about your comments, I would say that this might also be contributing to the rise – in both quantity and determination – of the “warrior parents” in their war on autism (and autistics?).
Brett – absolutely, I think this is the case. And making it even more intense are several factors:
parents invest huge amounts of time, money and energy on selected “cures,” into which they pour their heart, soul, hopes and dreams. They can’t afford to seriously doubt their efficacy.
parents are urged by certain public figures to become “lion-like” in their ferocious advocacy for their child. this pushes parents to feel marginalized and constantly on the offensive – a difficult place to be, emotionally.
parents feel that their identity is wholly wrapped up in being an “autism parent” – which gives them a place and a community, but also pushes them into the place where their child defines them.
IMHO, wholly defining oneself as a “parent,” and living on one’s child’s needs, accomplishments or personal achievements, is emotionally dangerous, both for the parent and for the child. That’s goes double or even triple for parents of kids with autism, for whom the pressure to become wholly engaged with the “autism world” can be overwhelming.
Lisa
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